


The World's a Beast of a Burden

by earth_skills_alumni_club



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 602, 602 divergent, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Clarke, Hurt/Comfort, I need you, Season/Series 06, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Worried Bellamy, becho is in this but barely, bellarke emotional embraces, cathartic emotional break downs and comfort, murphy is the reluctant and sarcastic good guy because it's what he was born to be, my favourite classic catchphrases, together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 22:11:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earth_skills_alumni_club/pseuds/earth_skills_alumni_club
Summary: A little 602 divergent oneshot. Murphy isn’t hurt as badly as he was at the end of the episode, and the other Arkers/Sanctum people don’t show up. Just our little reconnaissance team waking up and dealing with what happened. Murphy has a conversation with Clarke that Bellamy overhears, and it forces them to have a conversation about some of what Clarke went through.





	The World's a Beast of a Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm new at this, but really wanted to give it a shot. Enjoy.

 

                Clarke knew she was alive from the way her throat burned as she took a deep breath. There was a weight settles across her legs and her neck ached with pain.

                Never one to idle, Clarke pushed herself up and felt her already racing heart increase it's tempo when she saw Bellamy and Murphy sprawled on either side of her. Wiggling herself out from underneath Bellamy's legs, she crawled over to him and shook his shoulder. "Bellamy, wake up. Come on, wake up." He groaned, blinking up at her.

                "Clarke?" He looked confused for all of a moment before his eyes widened as the memory of what happened slammed into him. "Shit!" He sat up quickly, reached out to touch her, and felt his heart shatter when she flinched, surprised by his sudden movement, and worried he might still be under the influence of the toxin. He let his hand drop.

                "Are you okay?"

                She gave him a weak smile, and reached out to touch his hand by the ground, trying to convey her forgiveness in a touch. "I'm fine, I’m okay.” He looked dubious and she added, “Really. We survived, that's what matters."

                From her left, she heard Murphy groan, long and dramatically, and turned to see him still laying on the ground face-up, running a hand over his face.

                "Yeah, you're welcome, assholes." He heaved another sigh and sat up with them. "You guys are not allowed to get high. Like ever. You're too fucked up."

                "Murphy..." Bellamy didn't even crack a smile at his sarcasm, just continued to look absolutely wrecked. "Thank you, for what you did. I have no idea how you managed to stay sane, but if you hadn't..." Bellamy glanced over at Clarke, who was focused intently on rubbing some dirt out of a spot on her pants. "I'm just glad you were. I'm sorry."

                "Ah, brush it off big guy." Murphy stood and dusted himself off. "You guys seem to be back to your usual idiot selves, so I'm gonna go check on Emori. See if she still wants to kill me." He began walking off, then tossed over his shoulder, "any more than the usual, at least."

                Bellamy watched him go for a moment before turning to Clarke. "He's right. If the toxin isn't affecting us anymore, the others are probably coming out of it too. We should go get them out of the restraints, I still have all the keys."

                "Yeah, good point. Let's go." She stood and offered a hand to Bellamy, who took it with a smile. But when he went to stand, the pain in his leg flared and he grunted, falling back onto the ground and almost taking Clarke with him.

                "Shit, Bellamy your leg!" She dropped to her knees next to his injured thigh, checking it over. "Fuck, this is- I'm so sorry, I- I didn't mean for it to-" Clarke took a deep, if shaky, breath to collect herself. "This is deep, Bellamy. It's going to need stiches." Clarke tore off a strip of her shirt to tie around the injury for now. The medical supplies were in their packs, back in the school room.

                "Clarke, it's fine, really." He covered one of her hands with his where it was shaking as she tied off the cloth. He refused to take his eyes off her face, trying to convey his forgiveness in a look, but she was determinedly focused on staring at the bandage on his leg, which was slowly darkening with blood. "Clarke, look at me, please." She did, and he could see her eyes were brimmed with tears, and almost comically wide in her effort not to let them fall. "I'm so sorry, I never... I hurt you too, and I…" His hand moved to brush her hair back from her face, and he sucked in a harsh breath when he saw the bruising there. "I'm so sorry."

                Unable to take the intensity of his gaze, Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, allowing two tracks of tears to streak down her cheeks.

                "It's okay." She said without opening her eyes. "We weren't ourselves." When she opened them again, there were no new tears gathered. It hurt Bellamy's heart to see her lock down her emotions so quickly. She was all head again. "Let's get back to the others, I'll stich you up there."

                With Bellamy's arm around her shoulders, they made their way towards the school room.

___________________________________________________________________________

                Once Clarke got Bellamy seated inside and had made him promise to stay there, she took the keys and went to unlock everyone from their restraints. She found Murphy with Echo and Emori, who both looked upset but physically unharmed. She got a quiet thanks from Echo and a jerky nod from Emori when she released them, and told them to go meet Bellamy while she went to get Jackson and Miller.

                The two men were shaken up, but her and Bellamy had managed to tranquilize them before they hurt themselves, or each other, too much. Still, Jackson had his backpack in the room with him, and told Clarke they’d join her and everyone else downstairs after he looked after Miller’s cuts and bruises. Clarke suspected they really just needed some time to talk over what had happened privately, which she understood.

                She went back downstairs to join the others, not fully prepared for what she walked into. Murphy was sitting on the floor where the restrain that he’d cut himself free of was, and Emori was wrapped in his arms. Echo was sitting next to Bellamy and their heads were bent close together while she stroked his cheek with her thump.

                It was then that Clarke realized, since Shaw had died, she was the only one on the new planet not there with a partner. She didn’t mind being single, she had bigger things to worry about, but seeing all of them like that, intimate, loving, caring for each other… She suddenly felt overwhelmingly alone.

                “Clarke,” Bellamy noticed her standing in the doorway looking shaken. He pulled away from Echo and leaned towards Clarke. “Are you okay? Where’s Jackson and Miller?”

                “Oh, um,” Clarke cleared her throat and shook the sullen, self-pitying thoughts from her head. “Ya, everything’s fine. Jackson and Miller are upstairs still, I think they needed a moment alone.” She moved to her pack, pulling out the supplies she’d need to stitch up Bellamy’s leg.

                Echo stood and moved towards her. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

                Clarke glanced up at the spy. There was a small, embarrassing part of her that wanted to dislike her, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Echo obviously cared about Bellamy, and she was one of the only people who wasn’t taking jabs at her, other than Bellamy. Plus, there was something she needed her help with, something Clarke couldn’t believe she felt embarrassed about. But she did.

                “Yeah, uh, there is actually.” Clarke glanced over at Bellamy but looked away quickly, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks.

 _Pull yourself together, Griffin, you need to be a doctor._ She thought to herself.

                “I need you to help him get his pants off. After I stitch up the cut I’ll need to bandage it, and it can’t be over his pants.”

                “Oh.” Echo blinked, surprised. The great Wanheda could be embarrassed. Who knew. “Sure, no problem.”

                “That won’t be necessary.” Bellamy spoke up. “Uh, Clarke, I’ll just tear a bigger hole around the cut, it’ll be fine. I’m not taking my pants off.”

                Clarke whirled on him and marched over to his chair. “Yes, you are.” She put her supplies down on the table next to him and jabbed a finger at his chest. “I’m not letting you ruin those pants any more than they already are. And I’m not wrapping a fresh, clean bandage on top of them, they’re covered in dust, and I’m not risking letting that cut get infected.” Clarke paused to give him her sternest glare, the one she used on Madi when she was misbehaving. “So stop being a baby and take off your pants. I’ll be back in a minute.” With that she marched out the door, nodding at Echo on her way out.

                “Yeah, uh, we’re just gonna… go.” Murphy finished lamely. He pulled up Emori and they headed out after Clarke.

                When Clarke walked back in a few minutes later, Bellamy was pouting like a sullen child, sat awkwardly in his blue long sleeve shirt, boxers, and socks. His pants were folded neatly on the ground next to him and Echo was standing in front of him, looking amused with her hands on her hips.

                Clarke cleared her throat and they both looked up at her as she walked over and pulled up a chair next to Bellamy’s leg. “Right, that’s good. I’ll, uh, get started then. Sorry, this will sting.” Clarke purposely avoided looking anywhere other than at the cut and her supplies as she began to soak a clean cloth in alcohol. She would absolutely not be distracted by Bellamy’s bare legs, the mere idea was ridiculous, impossible really. His thick, strong thighs held absolutely no allure to her, and she refused to let her eyes wander up his legs to where his hands were crossed over his-

                “Clarke?” Bellamy's voice startled her out of her thoughts, and she glanced up to meet his gaze. “Everything okay? I think that’s probably enough alcohol.” There was a slight smile to his mouth and a glint in his eye, just barely a hint, but enough to remind Clarke that this was still the same man she'd met when the delinquents first came to the ground. Clarke wondered if he could see right through her, could feel the trail her gaze had been plotting. She sure hoped not. 

                “Oh, yeah, yes, it is.” Clarke set aside the bottle and got to work cleaning the wound, hoping the heat she felt in her cheeks wasn’t visible.

                “The cut is deep, but it’s straight and clean, so it should heal without too much trouble. We’ll just have to keep you off that leg as much as we can.” Clarke addressed Bellamy as she got her needle ready to start the stitches. “And we should maybe get you a walking stick of some kind to keep the pressure off when you do need to walk.”

                “I’ll see what I can find.” Echo volunteered. “I’ll have a look around and check on the others.” Echo gave Bellamy’s hand a squeeze before heading out the door, and Clarke continued stitching up Bellamy’s wound silently.

                The guilt of having hurt him was a physical pain in her heart, but Clarke forced it down before it overwhelmed her. There was no time and no point in letting tears blur her vision. She had work to do, fixing her mistakes. Unable to stop it, the thought rose in her head that all she felt like she was ever doing was either making mistakes of trying to make up for them. The voice of her mother telling her she was a toxin echoed in her mind, and even though the effects of the eclipse had worn off, the words continued to ring true in her heart.

                “So, will I live, Doc?” Bellamy attempted to joke, as Clarke finished off the last stich.

                “You’ll live. But I meant what I said about keeping off that leg as much as possible.” Clarke began gently wrapping a clean bandage around this thigh. “So make sure you do. Doctor’s orders.” She gave him a half smile.

                “See?” Bellamy smiled, looking at her the same way he was when he told her that the radio calls weren’t crazy. “I do need you.”

                Clarke’s smile dropped off her face as she tied off the bandage, not at all ready for him to bring up what he’d said while under the effects of the toxin. “Jackson could have done this. And if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have to at all.”

                “Clarke.” Bellamy said as he felt a crack splinter through his heart. “You can’t think like that. If you hadn’t done what you did, Murphy would have died. I would have killed him.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the memories of attacking the people he loved. “I would have killed you.”

                _Maybe I should have let you._ Clarke managed to stop herself before she voiced that thought, but it forced its way into her mind anyway. She didn’t really believe it, not when she knew that Bellamy would never forgive himself if she’s died at his hands, but a small voice in her mind complained that it would have been easier that way. She did her best to banish that thought as she pushed her chair back and went to put away the medical supplies.

                “It’s not your fault, Bellamy. The toxin made all of us do things we wouldn’t do otherwise.” Like commit suicide. But there was no way she would tell Bellamy what the toxin had made her want to do. In her mind there was no need to add to his worries.

                “Exactly. Clarke, I need you to tell me that you know I didn’t mean it. I do need you, and the thought of losing you again…” Bellamy reached up to touch her arm where she was standing, turned slightly away from him and staring at the door. “I can’t even think about it. Please, tell me you believe me.”

                Clarke took a deep breath and covered his hand with hers where it rested on her arm. “I believe you.” Without looking at him, she dropped her hand and stepped away from him, leaving him reaching out to thin air. “I’ll go get Echo. Don’t try to stand until she’s here.” And with that, she was gone.

_________________________________________________________________________

                After the exhausting trauma of the day, everyone was ready to call it an early night when the suns set. There were enough rooms in the settlement that everyone could have had their own if they wanted, but no one voiced a desire to. Instead, they decided to set up for the night all together in the school room, feeling safety in numbers. In case whoever lived there decided to return in the night, they set up a watch. Clarke took the first shift.

                Outside the building, she sat by a small fire with her pack and a gun next to her. She held the knife in her hand that she’d almost used to slit her own throat and watched the light of the flames dance along the blade as she fiddled with it.

                The evening was still and quiet, reminiscent of all the nights Clarke had spent sitting alone like this in the village in the valley, after Madi had gone to sleep. If she was still there, she’d probably be radioing Bellamy right about now, telling him about her day. Over the years she had confessed so much to him over the radio, had told him all her deepest fears, the darkest thoughts that haunted her even years after praimfaya. Unwilling to burden Madi with them but needing to give voice to them to sort out her thoughts, she’d admitted that she believed she was cursed in some way, that anyone who loved her was doomed, that she really was the commander of death, for it followed her everywhere.

                Everything that had happened while she was under the effects of the toxin had brought those fears front and centre again. But now that Bellamy was here with here, mere metres away, she couldn’t bring herself to be honest with him. Couldn’t bring herself to give him what she thought would just be another worry to burden him with unnecessarily.

                As the fire crackled and shot sparks into the air, her mother’s voice rose unbidden in her mind.

_I’m saying the toxin is you._

                She knew it wasn’t real, that her mother hadn’t said that, that it was just her mind playing tricks on her. Still, that didn’t stop her from feeling like a part of it rang true. All the people that made it to the ring had been alright without her, had survived just fine. And now they all hated her anyway. Except Bellamy. But despite the things he’d said while she stitched up his cut (that she’d inflicted) she couldn’t help but believe that what he’s said during the eclipse had come from a part of him that really meant it. He didn’t need her, and he proved it over the six years he thought she was dead.

                “I don’t need to set up a watch for you, do I? Like, a watch to make sure the person on watch doesn’t off themselves? ‘Cause that would be annoying as fuck.”

                Clarke turned around to see Murphy walking towards her. She put the knife back in her pack and hefted it onto her shoulder, leaving the gun on the ground for him. If he was out here, it was his shift now. “Why would you even bother.” She snarked as she went to walk past him towards the school room, “You said it yourself, you’d probably be better off anyway.”

                “Hey.” Murphy grabbed her arm, none too lightly, jerking her to a stop. “I didn’t say that. Don’t fucking do that. Don’t put words in my mouth like it’s my fault you want to kill yourself.”  

                “Fuck you, Murphy.” Clarke jerked herself from his grip. “It’s not your fault. You can have a clean conscience when you find me face down in the lake.” His eyes widened and she quickly followed her outburst with, “I’m kidding.”

                “Are you?”

                “Yes, Murphy.” She turned to go but he grabbed her arm. Again. “What the hell do you want? I’m going to bed, it’s your turn for watch.”

                “Do I need to tell Bellamy? ‘Cause I will.”

                “Tell Bellamy what?” Clarke tried unsuccessfully to pull herself from his grasp.

                “Don’t play dumb with me Clarke, it’s not a good look on you.”

                No use trying to bullshit a bullshitter. “You don’t need to tell Bellamy. I’m not going to do it.” Clarke sighed, somehow unsurprised that Murphy of all people was the one person who she was about to unload all her shit onto. “The toxin just hit a little close to home. And I’m not saying it’s your fault, but you were right, about what you said before. Bad shit happens to the people around me. I’m the common denominator, I’m the fucking Wanheda.” She looked away from him, towards the door where their friends were sleeping peacefully. “You were all fine without me for six years, and you probably would have been better off if you’d come back down to a planet that I didn’t exist on.” She steeled herself and turned back to him. “But I meant what I said, I’m not going to do it. I’m going to be better, for Monty and Harper and everyone that didn’t make it long enough to see this new planet.”

                “Yeah, you fucking better. You didn’t see Bellamy when he thought you were dead. I had to live with it for six fucking years, and I’m not going through that again.”

                Clarke averted her eyes. “He doesn’t need me, Murphy.”

                “Doesn’t-” He yanked on her arm to get her to look at him. “Doesn’t need you? Are you shitting me? He could barely even say your name without tearing up, even up until the last day before he found you on the ground.”

                “Until he found me on the ground, and I fucked everything up. Again. I am going to do better, I swear, but it’s hard not to feel like it would have been better if the nightblood hadn’t worked, and I’d let praimfaya take me.”

                Murphy heaved a sigh and tugged her toward the fire. “I can’t believe you’re going to make me do this.” He said as he pulled her down to sit with him. “I’m so pissed at you for making me do this, but I’m gonna do it anyway.” He finally let go of her arm and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I wish you’d made different choices down there, obviously. I wish a lot of things had gone differently. But as much as I hate to admit it, I get why you did what you did. Madi’s a good kid, and she needed you down there. You’re like, for real a mom now. Which is weird as hell, but, you know.” Murphy huffed out a breath like he didn’t want to say what he was about to say, but was preparing to anyway. “I wish I’d had a mom that was half as devoted to her kid as you are. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a goddamn mess. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the majority of my time on the ring trying to isolate myself from everyone else there. So as much as what you did back on Earth kind of screwed us, I get that you just thought you were doing what was best for your kid.”

                Clarke felt tears threatening at her eyes. “I’m so scared, Murphy. I’m so scared that something’s going to happen to her and it will be my fault. I’m scared that the people I love are doomed, and something might happen to her, or Bellamy, because of me, and I could stop it from happening if I just _wasn’t here_ anymore. Scared that they would be safer if I had just let Bellamy kill me during the eclipse-”

                “ _Clarke_ -”

                Both her and Murphy jerked their heads towards the door to the school room, where Bellamy was now standing, closing the door lightly behind him.

                “Clarke, I- I didn’t know, I-” He began limping towards them.

                She shot to her feet. “How much of that did you hear?”

                “I… I woke up when I heard Murphy leave, I didn’t mean to listen, I just-”

                Everything. He’d heard everything.

                “I can’t- I- I-” Clarke fumbled over her words, taking stumbling steps back as Bellamy continued limping determinedly towards her, with a look of utter heartbreak on his face that she couldn’t bear to look at. “I need to take a walk. I’ll be back.”

                “Clarke, wait!” Bellamy called out, but it was no use. She turned on her heel and ran, ran from all of it.

                “What the _fuck,_ Bellamy!” She heard Murphy exclaim she ran, but she didn’t bother looking back. She just kept running.

                She ran until she got to the edge of the radiation barrier, where she fell to her knees, chest heaving with the effort to draw in breath.

 _He heard everything. He knows._ Clarke felt panic clawing at her throat. She wasn’t ready for Bellamy to know everything he’d just found out, had barely been ready for Murphy to know. But he did.

                She looked up at the translucent, but vaguely shimmer barrier in front of her. It made her so angry. It just wasn’t fair that she could survive being covered head to toe in radiation burns, but Shaw, who’d happened to run into it first, couldn’t. She reached out-

 _Zap_!

                And yanked her hand back when her finger connected with the shield, sending a small burst of pain through her hand. She knew it wouldn’t last, the small burn on her finger would heal, but the pain made her feel better somehow. It took her mind away from the panic she was feeling, gave her something to focus on. Something to feel better about, even. She felt like she deserved this.

                Not giving herself a chance to think it through, she stood and thrust her non-dominant hand aggressively forward into the shield and screamed as bolts of radiation struck and sizzled all around it, causing it to burn, blister and bleed. She reeled back, stumbled, and fell hard onto her back in the gravel.

 _Shit_. She thought. _Shit, that hurts so much._

                She pushed herself up and looked down at her hand. The night was dark, but her eyes had adjusted to the little light there was, and she could make out the damage to her hand. It wasn’t as bad as her hand had looked after praimfaya, but there were scattered blisters around the top of her hand, palm and fingers.

 _Fuck, I should not have done that._ She thought as tears began falling down her cheeks.

                “CLARKE!”

                Her head whipped around to see Bellamy jogging towards her, limping heavily but not letting that stop him. The stick Echo had found him was no where to be seen.

                “Clarke, are you okay?” He was getting closer and she hurriedly got to her feet, pulling her hand behind her back. “What happened? I heard you scream!”

                “Nothing, nothing happened Bellamy, I was just letting off some steam. You shouldn’t be here, you’re leg-”

                “Fuck my leg!”

                Clarke jerked back in surprise, and Bellamy moved closer, until he was barely a foot in front of her.

                “Clarke, it doesn’t matter, I would come after you if I had no legs at all, I thought you were going to… Clarke, I’m so sorry I heard all that, but I need you to talk to me. I won’t let you pull away, not after Jasper, not after everything we’ve been through. I _need_ you.”

                “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going to be the next Jasper.” Despite the pain, she did her best to pull her sleeve over her hand as she moved to get her shoulder under his arm, forcibly trying to move him back towards the settlement. “Let’s just get you back to camp, okay, everything’s fine-”

                “Everything’s not _fine_ , Clarke!” He pulled away from her for the first time, stopping her from taking him back to the settlement. “Why won’t you talk to me? You called me every day for six years, you said I kept you sane. Now that I can hear you, talk to you, why won’t you tell me anything?”

                “Because you don’t need me!” It felt like a dam burst inside her when she yelled that at him.

                “Clarke, I told you, I-”

                “No,” She held her hand up, cutting him off. “Let me finish. You think you need me, but you don’t, Bellamy. You moved on, you survived without me. And that’s good, that’s what you were supposed to do.” Her voice cracked, but she barely registered the tears that were streaming down her face. “That’s what I wanted you to do. But I’m terrified that if I let you in, I’ll somehow end up dragging you down with me. I’m so proud of you, so proud of the person you’ve become without me. But I kept needing you all those years, kept leaning on you to help me remember who I was when I was with you. Because I’m a better person when I’m with you.” She turned her face away from him, wiping at her tears. “But that’s not a burden I’m prepared to let you bear. I need to deal with this alone. And if I don’t, I can’t help but feel like you’ll end up suffering the same fate that the others that I’ve loved have. I’ll mess up, and you’ll suffer the consequences.”

                Clarke trailed off and glanced at him, expecting him to look sad, to be giving her his puppy dog eyes, but instead he looked… angry. Really fucking angry.

                 “You through?”

                She nodded.

                “Because that is a load of bullshit, and you know it. You don’t need me to be a better person, and you never have. You do that all on your own-”

                “Bellamy, how can you-”

                “No, now it’s my turn, alright? I’m serious. You’re a good person, with or without me, and I have _always_ believed that. We need each other because we balance each other out, offer perspective to the other, because we can help each other bear the burden of the choices we’ve made, and because we _love_ each other. But you don’t need me to be a better person. That’s already in you, and I have nothing to do with it.” Bellamy searched her eyes, desperate for evidence that she believed him, and continued.

                “I survived up there on the ring without you because I refused to let your death be in vain, and everything I did up there, every choice I made, I made with your memory in my head. Just like you radioed me, every day I thought to myself, ‘what would Clarke do’ and then I did my best to do it.” Bellamy sucked in a ragged breath and ran a hand through his hair. “So I did need you up there, okay? And I still do. But not because I’m scared I can’t be a good person without you. Because we both can be. But god, I don’t want to. Do you understand me? When you’re with me, I feel like I can face anything, like it doesn’t matter how hard it will be, how heavy the burden will be. Because we can bear it _together_. You wanna know what was going on in my head during the eclipse?”

                Against her better judgement, Clarke nodded tearily.

                “It was Octavia’s voice inside my head, telling me that I was a failure. A failure as a brother, a son, a man. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but people I love die too. I can’t protect anyone. And then you were there, and she started mocking me, telling me that you left me behind to die because you’re tired of me needing you, trailing behind you like a useless knight, needing you to protect me from myself.”

                “That’s not true, that’s-” Clarke’s breath came in hiccoughs as her crying turned into sobs. Bellamy put both his hands on her face and wiped her tears away with his thumbs as they continued streaming down her cheeks. Her good hand came up to grip his forearm tightly, trying unsuccessfully to get her tears under control.

                “Shhh, I know, Clarke. I know. And what I said in retaliation to that… it wasn’t me, you have to understand that. That person that attacked you and Murphy, that probably would have tried to kill anyone and everyone, that wasn’t me.”

                “I believe you. It just… it felt so real .”

                “Oh Clarke,” Bellamy released her face and went to pull her to him, but put a little more force into it than he realized. She crashed into his chest and he stumbled back, falling to the ground with her held tightly to him, her legs sprawled between his. “Shit.” He mumbled, sitting up with his arms wrapped around her. “Are you okay?”

                From where her face was buried in his shirt, she nodded. It was then that Bellamy noticed her right hand, that had come up to clutch his shirt.

                “Clarke, your hand! What happened?”

                She kept her face hidden, and the sniffles she’d been startled into from the fall began to escalate into tears again. “It was a mistake. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to hurt myself. I was just panicking, and I didn’t know how to stop it, and I was so angry at how unfair it is that I have nightblood but Shaw didn’t, and I felt like I didn’t have any control of anything I was feeling.” There was nothing she could have done to stop the sobs that erupted from her as she finally let herself release what she’d been hiding, finally let herself be honest with Bellamy about what she’d been going through. “I accidentally sparked my finger on it, and for a split second it felt right, like it was what I deserved-” her own sob cut her off but she continued. “I don’t want to die, but it feels like I’m being selfish by staying alive, like I’m putting everyone at risk somehow.”

                He was mostly silent as she spilled her emotions out into his chest, just rocked her back and forth slowly, trying to provide what comfort he could to her, wishing he could take all her pain if he just held her tightly enough. When she was finished talking and only the heartbreaking sounds of her cries were left, he continued to rock her, stroking her hair, her back.

                “Oh Clarke.” He whispered in her ear. “I’m so sorry for what you’re feeling but you’re so, so wrong. You don’t deserve pain, not even a little, not even for a second. And you certainly aren’t selfish for living. You’ve saved all of us so many times, at unimaginable cost to yourself. You deserve so much more than just to live, and I wish you could see what I do. I wish you could feel what I felt when I found out you weren’t dead, the relief, and joy, and… well, I just wish you could.” She was still crying, but not as violently, just a steady steam of tears and sniffles as she let him hold her and whisper reassurances in her ear. He begged her not to try and go through everything alone, to let him help her share the burden of the world on her shoulders. Tears of his own fell from his eyes and into her hair.

                “Please, please, princess.” He nosed at her head until she tilted her face up towards him and pressed a long kiss into her forehead. Then he spoke softly with his lips just barely brushing over her hairline. “I’m so sorry I listened to your conversation with Murphy, I’m sorry I found out all those things that you weren’t ready to tell me. But I need you to know that you can tell me anything, and I’ll be here for you. Like I know you’d be for me. I forgive you, for everything, and all I want is for you to give me a chance to prove it to you.”

                Clarke felt like there were things she should say, she wanted to return his reassurances, but she felt completely emotionally drained after all the tears that now stained Bellamy’s shirt. So she just nodded, and sunk impossibly further into Bellamy’s embrace, the pain in her hand all but forgotten. She had pulled her hand out quickly enough that the burns weren’t too deep and would probably be mostly healed in a few days.

                After what felt like hours but was probably merely minutes of Clarke and Bellamy clutching each other in the middle of a path by the edge of the radiation barrier, Clarke finally felt light. The catharsis of opening up to Bellamy was a physical feeling, and even though tear tracks on her cheeks remained damp, she felt better than she had since they’d first landed on the new planet.

                “We should probably go back.” She whispered. “The others might be worried. And I need to check your leg.”

                His arms tightened around her. “None of that matters. We don’t have to go back until you’re ready, and until you tell me that you’re not going to try and hide from me. Let me be here for you.”

                Clarke leaned up and pressed a kiss to his salty cheek, trying not to let her lips linger longer than they should. “You’re a good man, Bellamy. And I’m glad that you’re here with me. I won’t try to bear this alone, I don’t think I… I can’t anymore. I don’t want to.”

                Bellamy smiled a little at her, and if it wasn’t so dark she might have seen the slight redness in his cheeks. “That’s good. I don’t want you to either.”

                “So it’s settled then.”

                “What is?” He asked, as Clarke pulled herself out of his embrace, stood and offered her hand to him.

                “Whatever comes next, whatever choices we have to make. We'll face it together”

                “Together.” He repeated back to her and let her help him up. This time he didn’t protest when she pulled his arm over her shoulders, and they began a slow pace back to camp. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading! Also I struggled a little with tagging, let me know if there's anything you think I should add, would be much appreciated. Ditto comments and kudos!
> 
> Edit: I’m still a big chicken but i took this off anon while a little drunk and corageous. Hit me up on tumblr, i’m earth-skills-alumni-club ^^


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